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Random questionable humor
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I had to place a few humorous items in here.  

THE GUYS' RULES:

AT LAST A GUY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN.
FINALLY THE GUYS' SIDE OF THE STORY. 
WE ALWAYS HEAR "THE RULES" FROM THE FEMALE SIDE.
NOW HERE ARE "THE RULES" FROM THE MALE SIDE. 
 
THESE ARE OUR RULES! :)

1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS. WE REALLY DON'T THINK ABOUT WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND UNLESS YOU SAY IT AND THEN IT'S, AT BEST, A 50-50 CHANCE 

2. SHOPPING IS NOT A SPORT.
AND NO, WE ARE NEVER GOING TO THINK OF IT THAT WAY.

3. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.
LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
"THE LOOK" DOES NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!

4. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

5. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO.
SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

6. A HEADACHE THAT LASTS FOR A WEEK IS A PROBLEM
 SEE A DOCTOR.

7. IF YOU WON'T DRESS LIKE THE VICTORIA'S SECRET GIRLS,
DON'T EXPECT US TO ACT LIKE SOAP OPERA GUYS.

8. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE.
DON'T ASK US.

9. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE .

10. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE.  NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

11. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.

12. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE.

13. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS.
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR!
PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE
HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

14. IF IT ITCHES, IT WILL BE SCRATCHED.  WE DO THAT.

15. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY "NOTHING," WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG.
WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.

16. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR.

17. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...
REALLY.

18. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT.

19. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

20. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

21. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!

22. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS.
YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT;

BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING.
 
 
Another good one emailed to me:
 
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU 

Hello, and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the
line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the
beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy
to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie
down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
 
 
A few great movie quotes:
 
Melvin Udall from "As Good as it Gets"
 
Receptionist: "How do you write a woman so well? 
Udall: "I think of a man, and I take away all reason and accountability"
 
Also from "As good as it Gets"
 
Udall at the steps of Helen hunt's front door telling her that he loves her
Hunt: "Why can't I have a regular boyfriend that doesn't go nuts on me"?
Hunt's mom:  "Everybody wants that dear...it doesn't exist."
 
Dr. Phil: "All wives are dissapointed with their husbands"
 
I can't believe it another good one:
 
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"
 

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